Did you ever have one of those FUCKIT days? I did yesterday, though it wasn’t due to one really bad thing or even a series of small disasters. I just got fed up to here, and beyond, by not getting to live the life I want to.

I stand before the mirror, connect my gaze to the eyes reflecting back at me. Four deep breaths and I begin my work.

I need a grown up to tell the Dawn-child in me the things she needs to hear, the things that will help her be the woman she wants to be. Dawn-child needs these affirmations several times each day to counter the negative images she holds onto deep inside. The person Dawn-child can depend on most is Dawn-woman, so, henceforth, four times each day I will assure myself that, I am healthy, I am strong, I am thin, I love you Dawn. I give myself this pep talk while I look at myself in the mirror, eye to eye, and also when I’m taking my twice-daily walks. I repeat this mantra four times in a row during each session, so that it will counter all the times I think or say negative things, and to defy any hurtful or negative beliefs I picked up from my parents and other adults decades ago.

I am healthy, I am strong, I am thin, I love you Dawn. I like the flow and rhythm of this phrase; it covers a lot of ground. I created this mantra 15 year ago. The truth, and need, of it hasn’t changed much. I still must shift the foundation of my core beliefs, let go of negative thoughts, now, as much as ever. It has been 8 years since I did this mirror work to help offset negative thought patterns that I believe affect my reality. Looking back at the years when I was dedicated to using the thinking and speaking of positive declarations to change and grow, I can see how the process helped, though it took more time than I often had the patience for. However, the cumulative affect did bring improvements to my life. I was far healthier in body, mind and spirit than I am now. I was happy and confident with myself and the way I was living my life. I was single much of that time, yet didn’t feel particularly scared. I weighed 20 pounds less. Now, to be healthy, I must lose weight, do more yoga, meditate often, and write more. And will I ever love myself enough? I don’t know, but I believe I have a chance if I say the words out loud to myself, over and over. I do know that it is sometimes hard to say, I love you Dawn, as I look carefully at my own face, and this unease tells me I need to get more comfortable hearing the words. I also know that I feel better afterwards, for having said them while looking into my own eyes, inside myself where Dawn-child still resides.

So, here I am, back in front of the mirror for the first time in years, ready to give voice to the medicine that I believe will help me become a healthier, happier, more evolved woman. I am healthy, I am strong, I am thin, I love you Dawn, flows from my mouth as if the words had been waiting patiently on the tip of my tongue for a very long time. I don’t have to think to remember the words, the rhythm, the cadence, the tone; it feels good, not awkward. I notice the crows-feet stamped next to my eyes and frown lines curving down from the corners of my mouth. It has been a long time, months or even years, since I’ve looked at myself carefully, directly. Somehow I’ve managed to put on make up, brush my teeth, and wash my face in front of a mirror without actually seeing the woman looking out at me.

I am healthy, I am strong, I am thin, I love you Dawn. I utter the words with a bit more force and conviction to keep the awareness where it needs to be. My hair has gotten darker, bits of gray woven amongst the blond. My once prominent cheek bones have softened, filled in with flesh, a few age spots are starting to appear, my eyebrows aren’t even. FOCUS! I am healthy, I am strong, I am thin, I love you Dawn. Jeeze, what kind of housekeeper am I? The mirror is flecked with toothpaste and soap and who knows what. There seems to be a speck in my left eye that I hadn’t noticed before. I wonder if I have glaucoma, or eye cancer? Is there such a thing? I am no longer young and beautiful and this hits me hard. I watch in slow motion as tears well, but do not spill. I am healthy, I am strong, I am thin, I DO love you Dawn. My collar is crooked, I fix it pick a bit of lint from my shirt. I need to get out in the sun more, get a bit of color in my face. Shit, when did I get so old? I AM healthy, I AM strong, I AM thin, I DO LOVE YOU Dawn!

No one said it would be easy. I smile at myself and see that I am still beautiful if I choose to see myself thusly, just in a different sort of way. I’ll be out for my walk in a couple of hours and will be sure to repeat these special words four times in a row, then twice more before going to bed. I have taken the first step. My smile spreads and lingers as I move out into the new day.